


Fated Catastrophe

by groggyseed



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angry Kissing, Angry Sex, Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, Childhood Friends, Childhood Memories, Childhood Trauma, Commander Erwin Smith, Communication, Communication Failure, Daddy Issues, Denial of Feelings, Developing Relationship, Dominant Erwin Smith, Emotional Baggage, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Erwin Smith Has a Big Dick, Eventual Smut, F/F, F/M, Falling In Love, Gay Panic, Hurt/Comfort, Insecurity, Loss of Trust, Multiple Pairings, Multiple Partners, Multiple Relationships, Past Relationship(s), Pervert Erwin Smith, Possessive Erwin Smith, Post-Shingeki no Kyojin: Kuinaki Sentaku | Attack on Titan: No Regrets, Pre-Season/Series 01, Relationship Problems, Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan References, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Slow Romance, Smut, Submissive Erwin Smith, Trust Issues, Work In Progress
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-26
Updated: 2021-03-03
Packaged: 2021-03-17 07:20:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29713635
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/groggyseed/pseuds/groggyseed
Summary: You are navigating being a scout while suppressing desires you know deserve no attention. Erwin, Miche and you have known each other since childhood, you three have always had grandiose ideas of what joining the scouts would mean. Of course it's a cruel world, after joining the Scouts, you are shown in graphic detail what happens to those who leave the walls. After all its hard to discern in this world whether something happens by chance, choices or fate.
Relationships: Erwin Smith & Reader, Erwin Smith/Reader, Levi Ackerman & Nanaba & Erwin Smith & Mike Zacharias & Hange Zoë, Levi Ackerman & Reader, Levi Ackerman/Reader, Mike Zacharias/Reader, Nanaba (Shingeki no Kyojin)/Reader, Nanaba/Mike Zacharias, Nanaba/Nanaba (Shingeki no Kyojin)
Kudos: 18





	1. Old ties

**Author's Note:**

> Erwin Smith presents his new expedition formation to Commander Shadis in which you have to lead your own group. Tensions rise as personal feelings get involved once it is revealed you have a chance to go back home before the next expedition.

You wake up in your bunk hearing the noises of your roommate leave the room. Nanaba runs on her own schedule and usually gets in a morning workout. Light is seeping in from your window and onto the floor next to you. It's a bit after sunrise but you can already hear the bustle of people beginning their days in the rest of the rooms. You rise out of bed and go into the restroom. You stare into a mirror and notice your darkening under eyes. “ _ I really should get some more sleep” _ you think to yourself as you tug a bit at your face scanning the results of countless days training and studying. You gather your hair in a way that suits you both in style and comfort. You hop into a large tub of water and proceed to bathe. Carefully going over bruises and scrapes from training that mark your legs and arms. “ _ Fuck, I didn’t think I’d be this bad. Next time I’m knocking him on his ass.”  _ you say as you throw one last bucket of water on yourself thinking about yesterday's training session with him. 

You finish getting ready, and get into the scout uniform. Your worn in boots and light colored pants feel familiar as you begin your day. As you're looking for your shirt you hear knocking on your door. 

“Yeah?” You reply as the door creaks open. 

“What are you doing? Commander Shadis told us to be in his office first thing today! Are you even ready?” Miche says.

“You know what blondie? Just because the higher ups gave you a pet name doesn't mean you can waltz your ass anywhere you like.” You reply in a matter of fact tone as you hurriedly put your sage green button up on. Your face feels warm,  _ “The fuck I look like giving a free show”  _ you think to yourself. 

“So you’re blind and dumb? How’d you survive this long?” Miche says playfully as you turn around and realize he was in the hall the entire time. You grab your jacket and shut your door behind you. 

“Come on Miche quit taking huge strides.” He ignores you as he leads you to the Commander's office. 

“Miche, Y/N!” The commander greets you as you salute him. The commander isn’t easy on the eyes and has an intense presence that intimidates you. 

“Commander!” Miche and you say in unison. 

“At ease, take a seat.” You do as instructed and look around the room. Erwin, Levi, Hange and Moblit are in the room. You feel a bit more anxious now that you see familiar faces. 

“Alright I’ll keep it short, we're going on another expedition in four days. The goal is to establish one more base in the forest of giant trees. We need to start packing all the supplies on the third day and finish on the fourth morning. I’m allowing everyone to visit their family so you will have two days to do that.”

“Commander?”

“Yes y/n.”

“Why’d you only ask us. You aren't a fan of representing yourself. We easily could've had a meeting-” Shadis cuts you off.

“I’m getting to that y/n!” He barks and you sink a bit in your seat as you feel everyone's eyes land on you. They seem to know something you don't. 

“We have a new formation that was thought up by Erwin here. Considering we only have about 120 active scouts, you each will have a group you will be in charge of.” You feel heavy at the idea of being in charge of people's lives. As you begin to vocalize your objections, Erwin speaks. 

“I’ve chosen everyone here myself. I only chose you all because I feel you have the skill necessary to properly execute the formation. With this formation our fatality rates are expected to greatly decrease....” 

Erwin. The one who shows the most promise to succeed Shadis. His voice fades as you get lost in thought.  _ “Why? Can I just recommend Nanaba? She’s much more disciplined. She can pull this off. I don’t… I have as much experience as them but…” _

“Y/N?...” Erwin’s voice draws you out of the burrow in your mind. 

“Yeah?” You reply shakely as you hold securely onto your knees. Your palms feel sweaty and you feel drops of sweat slide down your lower back. 

“Since you and Miche are most unfamiliar with the formation, meet me after breakfast in the filing room.” 

“Understood.” Miche replies for you both. 

Shadis goes over more business but you seem to not register what was happening. It isn’t until you make your way back to your room that you come to. You knock out of habit and no one replies. Nanaba must still be out.  _ Good for her, _ you think to yourself. As if being a scout wasn’t enough, now you have added on to your list of lives you must guard. 

You sit on your bed and idly stare out the window. It looks to be about nine now. You make your way to the mess hall trying to sturdy yourself enough to walk straight. 

“Y/N!” You feel the familiar arm of Nanaba swing over your shoulder. She’s still sweaty and has bits of grass she missed to shake out of her short hair but seems as energetic as ever. 

“Nanaba. How was your morning? Were you with you know who?” You reply trying to elicit a detailed response. 

“Actually yes… it wasn’t as fun as last time. They wanted to do odm training instead of hand to hand combat.” She pouts. 

“Aww you couldn’t straddle them today?” You tease as she punches you softly, laughing. She’s been happier now that she has her eye on someone new. Of course it's a bit weird for you to date other scouts since a lot of you prematurely expire. The last person she was with from the Garrison regiment but they married a civilian. Nanaba pretends not to be phased. You don't push any more than you need to. 

“What about you y/n? You’re telling me here NO ONE is eye catching?” Of course she doesn’t expect a response. She knows the answer. 

“Look there’s Miche” You point in his direction and we get to the table and begin to eat.

“Nanaba, how was todays ‘training’” Miche says through a smile. 

“Shut up! You guys act like no one else can see me train with them!” She hushes us and looks around to see if anyone over heard. Miche and you laugh and continue eating. Half way through our breakfast Shadis is at the entrance of the mess hall.

Of course you already know what's going to happen. Sadies finishes telling the rest of the scouts of future plans and leaves the room. Erwin follows him. The energy in the mess hall picks up as everyone is a bit excited to go home. It has been about three months since you were allowed back home. Yet the ever present dread of the unknown is also amplified.

“Wow so you think Erwin’s plan will work? It seems pretty thought out.” Nanaba says ignoring the announcement of both you and Miches new responsibilities. 

“I think so. Moblit and Hange helped.” Miche replies dryly. He already has delegated people to their deaths. You wonder how heavy he must be feeling. Before you can say anything else he silently gets up and leaves the mess hall. 

“Nanaba I have to leave too. I have to go meet with Erwin about the new formation” You say as you force a smile and leave quickly.  _ Fuck, keep moving forward, _ you repeat to yourself as you walk towards the filing room. 

Once you arrive, you notice hear Miche and Erwins muffled conversation. 

“You know you could’ve had someone else. Nanaba would've jumped at the opportunity.” You hear Miche explain. 

“Nanaba doesn't have any leading experience. It was only natural to have y/n.” Erwin replies coldly.  _ Was it that… dumbass of course it was that obvious I didn’t… _

“You picked a shitty time to propose your idea Erwin. I trust your judgement. I just suggest next time maybe leave a bigger window of processing time.” The room falls silent and you hear the clatter of plates and teacups. You quickly gather yourself and enter the room. 

“I already know the formation. I’m going to pack and arrange a ride back home.” Miche says quickly as he pushes past you. Miche is from a town a bit farther down from both yours and Erwins. You three usually ride home together since it's convenient. 

“Okay. Y/N close the door please.” Erwin orders as he stares into your eyes. You turn quickly trying to put yourself together.  _ Stupid Miche.  _ You slowly shut the door and nervously turn to face him and realize his eyes have still not left your figure. 

  
  



	2. Reunion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Miche and you both have a meeting with Erwin to discuss the new formation. You are surprised by the nature of the meeting as things take a turn before it even starts.

You feel your heart pick up its pace. You feel the back of your neck get slowly dotted by beads of sweat. There's an uncomfortable warmth exuding your torso, most intense where your sides meet your arms. _ This fucken jacket isnt helping. Miche what the fuck.  _ You try to shit your weight in effort to shake off the tension in your muscles. 

“How come Miche gets it easy?” You say softly as you lean against the door cooly for support. 

You notice his stiff posture has relaxed. His broad shoulders slightly slumped and rolled forward, giving out under some unseen force. His knee bends as he shifts his weight on one sturdy, strong leg, his muscles protrude from the tight, white pants of his uniform. He raises one arm and slowly massages his shoulder. Finally he closes his eyes, his eyebrows relax as his lips slightly part leaving you both in silence. You move one arm behind you and fidget with the end of your jacket.  _ Has he gotten bigger,  _ you think to yourself as your eyes trace the outlines of his bicep as his muscles bulge out of his perfectly clean white button up. Finally he takes one deep breath and finally speaks. 

“I talked to him as I was making the formation. He has some pretty insightful thoughts, you know?” He concluded softly, as he spoke he tilted his head down. You’re suddenly aware of the depth of his consuming gaze. You find your mind cloud as you try to read the energy he’s putting off. 

“I guess yeah…” You say coldly as you finally process what was said, feeling slightly insulted.  _ Okay. So what favor does he want this time?  _ Of course Erwin wasn’t much of a favor seeker but from time to time he was spread too thin. 

He eyes you up and down as he turns and sits at the narrow, worn out wooden table. He nods at the empty chair in front of him and motions you to join him as he begins to prepare tea. You notice there are only two chairs and two cups.  _ So Miche was never intended to stay,  _ you observe. 

“Do you still like two spoonfuls of sugar?” He asks politely as you take your seat. 

“Nah, only one now.” You say as you cross your arms over your chest and continue to try and figure out what he wants. 

You watch him still put two spoons of sugar and stir your cup. His large calloused hand delicately holds the spoon and stirs cautiously, so as to not spill. He is leaning over the cup as his other arm is propping up his face. He is seemingly staring into his reflection in the teacup. You notice light blue veins shining through his fair skin. Traces of scars from combat, accidents, and heroics mark his palms and thick fingers. He lets out a small chuckle. 

“When was the last time we’ve had tea?” He pauses, his eyes do not search yours for a response. You look over his face and notice dark blues and purples hang below his eyes. A five o’clock shadow outlines the bottom of his face. All you can do is stare silently as you rack your brain trying to figure out why he looks so drained. 

“Don’t know. Maybe, two, three years? I mean it's been that long since you've been working along Shadis, even before he was Commander right?” You reply not moving, sounding stern. 

It has been a long time since you two had spent time together. Curiously you search his face for any other changes that have happened.  _ Maybe small wrinkles around his eyes. Old ass,  _ you say to yourself playfully. You then look for past memories that mark his face. A small scar at the bridge of his nose from childhood antics, another at the bottom of his face from trials and errors of shaving.

“Has it been that long? I do recall having tea a few months back.” He replies forming a small smile, still not looking up. His voice sounds distant as his eyes continue to stare into the cup. Almost as if he too is searching for something. 

“Yeah but then you had asked me to separate from the group during an expedition to get some special herb. So what do you want? It’s not like you to waste time.” You say as you shift and place your arms on the table, curinging your fingers towards your palm. It comes out a bit more harsh than you intended.  _ Dwelling on that now won’t help.  _

Memories of that expedition frequent your nightmares but it’s not it’s not like those are the sorts of images one can get desensitized to. You quickly shut your eyes and try to force those memories. A sudden anger fills your chest as you are reminded of your fallen comrade.  _ They deserved a long life.  _ Your throat becomes prickly as you recall their face, their scent that accompanied you many sleepless nights, their presences that shunned any gloom as long as they were around.  _ Stop.  _

His eyes then dart up after a moment in reaction to your response. You glance at your hands once you realize the distance between you two has closed following your movement. You feel your face warm as you notice his face in greater detail. His down turned eyelashes, blonde but darker than his eyebrows. You notice a line begin to appear between them as his mood slightly shifts. His gaze becomes intimidating. 

“That was for a doctor. He single handedly cured the disease that was wiping out our population. That wasn’t at all for my benefit, but for humanities. Our duty as soldiers is first and foremost that… Y/N we can’t just have some tea?” He replies, his eyes unwavering. 

“Erwin, with you it's hardly ever  _ just  _ tea.” You reply, shrugging your shoulders and raising your voice for emphasis. Of course, there had been times where it was just a hike, or just a trip to the village market but, those had grown scarce over the years. An uncomfortable silence sets in as both of your minds threaten to recollect the years that were simpler. 

“Do you understand the formation and the requirements of being a squad leader?” He says as he hands you your tea. You take a long sip, thinking of something to say that would annoy him further but nothing comes up. 

“Yeah. I get them. I just don’t like the idea of me being a squad leader.” You say as you lean back in your chair and hold the cup up to your chest. 

“Y/N, you need to be more confident in your skill. You are overly cautious which has served you well. You’ve survived long, but that hinders further growth. You are squad leader because both myself and the Commander decided it. Our comrades trust you. Your reluctance will only result in casualties, so I suggest you do your best to get over it.” Erwin’s eyes become analytical but there is a slight optimistic glow to his face. 

“So you called me here for a pep talk?” You question as you raise your eyebrows and produce a small smirk. Erwin sits up straight and mirrors your facial expressions. _ At least his eyebrows are the same,  _ you think to yourself. The warmth returns to your face, pushing out the melancholy that had previously overtaken your mind, not completely but enough for you to not want to yell at Erwin. You attempt to mask it by taking another few sips of tea. Erwin follows suit and waits for a reply. 

“Y/N we can’t just have tea and catch up? Maybe just take a day off?” He asks, trying to sound joyous but there is still a twinge of gloom hanging over his face.  _ Maybe he's just burnt out? _

“Fine, but I still need to pack. Plus I’m sure we're leaving by noon, at least we should so we can be home in time.” You say as you take one last drink of your tea, hoping to have some time alone before having to sit with Miche and Erwin for a few hours. 

“Oh I’ve already packed. I can accompany you so you can make the most use of your time. I would hate to waste it.” He suggests.  _ I don’t think he’s EVER been in my room  _ You can feel the tips of your fingers grow cold and notice sweat forming on the small of your back again.  _ Erwin in my room? Fuck, did I even clean?  _ You feel your body get uncomfortably warm again as you try to calm your nerves.

“I mean you can if you want. Just carry my bag yeah?” You reply trying to ground yourself in his glossy eyes. You try hard to make your voice even but by the look on his face you can tell he’s caught on a bit. He gives you a bigger smile than before and closes his eyes as he speaks again.

“Sure, I’ll do that. My only condition is that once we’re home you actually go over the formation with me.” He declares confidently. Almost like he knows you’d never  _ actually _ say no to him. 

“Fine but if you made it up I’m sure I’ll be able to keep up.” You tease as you stand, placing both your palms on the table to surdey yourself. Your thighs begin to twitch as you realize how rigid your body has become. You can feel sweat under your arms and make note to change before you both set off back home. 

Erwin slowly stands as well. You watch him as he raises his arms above his head and lets out a small sigh of relief as he stretches.  _ Can he touch the ceiling?  _ He smirks and pauses as he lowers his gaze to your arms. He walks over to stand directly in front of you.  _ What is he…  _ Suddenly his arm reaches out and grips yours slightly below your elbow. You notice the drastic difference in his hands from the last time you’ve seen them this close. They’re slightly dry, but clean. The years of being a scout is firmly present.

“You don’t wear the bracelet anymore?” He asks. His face stoic, intentions unreachable. Your eyes narrow as your eyebrows furrowed in confusion. You snatch your arm away quickly and stare at his face in bewilderment, seeking the motive for his sudden act.  _ There wouldn’t even be a fucken bracelet if you…  _ You close your eyes and try to control your emotions. Rage is seeping into your brain, past memories once again trying to break down the barricade you've built to shut them in. The years of effort have surely helped tame them but how you have begged each night for something,  _ anything _ to liberate you form the searing agony and torture that encompasses carrying them around. They demand to be acknowledged, fighting, scratching, destroying, all for the right to be expressed. 

“No.” You remark.  _ Out of all the things to bring up why that. _

Erwin notices the coldness emitting from you. He does not say anything in efforts to help you calm down. You both quietly clean the room. You try to go as slow as possible, trying to clear out memories that want to force themselves to light. Erwin says he’ll take the tea supplies to the mess hall and will meet you outside your room. You don't object and head straight for your dorm.  _ Nanaba please be there.  _

You reach your dorm and notice the empty hall.  _ How long was I with him?  _ You walk up to a window at the end of the hallway and see the position of the sun. The hall is empty. It seems everyone has left. Everything is then blurred by tears in your eyes. You choke down a few sobs thinking of them.  _ I miss you,  _ are the only words that you can think of. You lean against a wall and slowly slide down it, hugging yourself. At least physically you can hold yourself together. You wrap your hand around your wrist, itching for the bracelet you had taken off months ago. Some days it was a happy reminder of their existence, other days it was a vile symbol of how fate decided things for you.  _ Please live through me.  _ That was a mantra Nanaba gave you in efforts to boost your morale. It helped you feel connected to them, there was no grave to visit. You are grateful for Nanaba and Miche. Those two have caught you and saved you more times than you could recall. You gather your strength and stand before the window once again. You determine it's almost noon so you want back over to your dorm room. You knock hoping Nanaba is still there. 

  
  


  
  



End file.
